True Balance

I finished reading the first chapter for our True Balance group. Actually, I finished chapter two as well but we're only discussing chapter one right now. (I couldn't help myself..it's so great and I need help. lol)

Chapter one is all about foundations and support. One example the author used was the tree with its roots far into the earth and it's branches reaching high...the perfect vision of stability and security. She discussed the possibility that the physical difficulties some of us may have with our feet or legs often come from a foundational issue. We might not even be aware of it. It could be something we perceive ourselves lacking because we lacked it in childhood or something. She gave a great example of someone who came from a large family and had to fight for every morsel of food and now that person overeats to compensate for that feeling from childhood.

I can't relate to that one, but there are so many other things that I could relate to.

My dad was abusive. He yelled and hit and threw and drove crazy and even once tried to push my brother out of the car while we were driving. Always over nothing. I was always terrified that he was going to hurt my mom or my brother. He once threw a shovel through the window of our dining room at my mother. The glass shattered every where. She was in front of the window and I was over to the side a bit. If he started yelling, someone was going to get hurt.

I can't stand to hear yelling or even a raised voice. Often Tim speaks very loudly, partly because he can't hear well and partly because it's just his personality. His first reaction is often an overreaction and then he mellows later. With my past, though, all I hear is the yelling and then my heart pounds and I am feeling terror.

Before I got this book, I was having some real issues with my chest hurting and feeling pressure and a sudden sense of doom out of nowhere. Part of that is menopause but it was being fed by my constant fear that Tim was going to yell about something...or that his son was going to. Caleb has decided that all the things he can't say to his mom can be said to me because *I* won't fight back. My spirit has been so low.

That's why the sudden change of direction in creating. I found Violette and looking at her art and reading about her life and her personality made me feel happy. She spends a lot of time telling other people that they CAN paint and create and do what they want. I started sketching and all the panic I was feeling started coming out in pictures and then I went deeper and realized how sad I had been and why...sometimes not until I after I had drawn the "why" did I realize what was wrong. I cannot tell you how therapeutic that was and is for me. I stopped keeping a journal because it would always turn negative and I just didn't want to have all those ugly words written down and thrown out there but drawing allowed me to really express my feelings without verbalizing the details of where those feelings were coming from. Somewhere along the line, I came across collages and those just "fit" somehow. I love looking at them and I love, love, LOVE making them. They come from my heart and no matter how objective I think I'm being, they always, once finished, reflect how I was feeling when I was creating them.

You may wonder what this has to do with the book, but I do think that there is a basic, foundational need to express ourselves and I congratulate myself on finding a healthy, safe way of doing just that. Yay me. :)

Now, the food thing...I don't know why but it seems the more I realize how important the right diet is, the more I eat the things I shouldn't. LOL I don't think there is any deep dark reason for this. I just like junk food. It's good and quick and handy. (and I can hide it from the children muahaha).

I've been mindfully doing things for my foundation this week. I got bills paid that were bugging me. I removed myself from situations that made me uncomfortable rather than trying to be a pillar. I've kept up with the house, dishes and laundry....etc.etc this week and seemed to have even MORE art time, plus a freer mind to create with. I bought a couple of fun novels today at a thrift store. I went to Jo-Anne's Fabric and walked around for an HOUR. Bliss. I spent 44cents. LOL I bought two pieces of felt. I hung my own art with pride. whoohoo. I bought some shower gel today and I plan to pamper myself and give myself a pedicure tonight. (Polish gives Tim a headache so I have to do it when he isn't here..and he just left for work). I did eat some good food. Tim made tabouli last night and he put some of the mint and parsley that *I* planted in it and it was so good. It just felt like we were doing something good for our bodies. I'm praying more. Today when I got in my car, just as I turned the key I heard "You are so beautiful...to me." I wanted to just say, "awww thank you." :) It felt like a special little message just for me. Joe Cocker rocks and he's a great messenger.

I DO feel a little more balanced this week, a little steadier. And I feel better about some areas that I'm already doing a pretty good job in. My relationship with my boys is really healthy. I used to carry so much guilt about the divorce that I couldn't truly enjoy our relationship. But I realize now that the love I give them is what they need and that they're going to be just fine...in fact more than fine.

I've also realized that I'm not responsible for everyone else in the world being balanced!! Whew. That's a load off.