Saturday, September 16, 2006

True Balance

I finished reading the first chapter for our True Balance group. Actually, I finished chapter two as well but we're only discussing chapter one right now. (I couldn't help's so great and I need help. lol)

Chapter one is all about foundations and support. One example the author used was the tree with its roots far into the earth and it's branches reaching high...the perfect vision of stability and security. She discussed the possibility that the physical difficulties some of us may have with our feet or legs often come from a foundational issue. We might not even be aware of it. It could be something we perceive ourselves lacking because we lacked it in childhood or something. She gave a great example of someone who came from a large family and had to fight for every morsel of food and now that person overeats to compensate for that feeling from childhood.

I can't relate to that one, but there are so many other things that I could relate to.

My dad was abusive. He yelled and hit and threw and drove crazy and even once tried to push my brother out of the car while we were driving. Always over nothing. I was always terrified that he was going to hurt my mom or my brother. He once threw a shovel through the window of our dining room at my mother. The glass shattered every where. She was in front of the window and I was over to the side a bit. If he started yelling, someone was going to get hurt.

I can't stand to hear yelling or even a raised voice. Often Tim speaks very loudly, partly because he can't hear well and partly because it's just his personality. His first reaction is often an overreaction and then he mellows later. With my past, though, all I hear is the yelling and then my heart pounds and I am feeling terror.

Before I got this book, I was having some real issues with my chest hurting and feeling pressure and a sudden sense of doom out of nowhere. Part of that is menopause but it was being fed by my constant fear that Tim was going to yell about something...or that his son was going to. Caleb has decided that all the things he can't say to his mom can be said to me because *I* won't fight back. My spirit has been so low.

That's why the sudden change of direction in creating. I found Violette and looking at her art and reading about her life and her personality made me feel happy. She spends a lot of time telling other people that they CAN paint and create and do what they want. I started sketching and all the panic I was feeling started coming out in pictures and then I went deeper and realized how sad I had been and why...sometimes not until I after I had drawn the "why" did I realize what was wrong. I cannot tell you how therapeutic that was and is for me. I stopped keeping a journal because it would always turn negative and I just didn't want to have all those ugly words written down and thrown out there but drawing allowed me to really express my feelings without verbalizing the details of where those feelings were coming from. Somewhere along the line, I came across collages and those just "fit" somehow. I love looking at them and I love, love, LOVE making them. They come from my heart and no matter how objective I think I'm being, they always, once finished, reflect how I was feeling when I was creating them.

You may wonder what this has to do with the book, but I do think that there is a basic, foundational need to express ourselves and I congratulate myself on finding a healthy, safe way of doing just that. Yay me. :)

Now, the food thing...I don't know why but it seems the more I realize how important the right diet is, the more I eat the things I shouldn't. LOL I don't think there is any deep dark reason for this. I just like junk food. It's good and quick and handy. (and I can hide it from the children muahaha).

I've been mindfully doing things for my foundation this week. I got bills paid that were bugging me. I removed myself from situations that made me uncomfortable rather than trying to be a pillar. I've kept up with the house, dishes and laundry....etc.etc this week and seemed to have even MORE art time, plus a freer mind to create with. I bought a couple of fun novels today at a thrift store. I went to Jo-Anne's Fabric and walked around for an HOUR. Bliss. I spent 44cents. LOL I bought two pieces of felt. I hung my own art with pride. whoohoo. I bought some shower gel today and I plan to pamper myself and give myself a pedicure tonight. (Polish gives Tim a headache so I have to do it when he isn't here..and he just left for work). I did eat some good food. Tim made tabouli last night and he put some of the mint and parsley that *I* planted in it and it was so good. It just felt like we were doing something good for our bodies. I'm praying more. Today when I got in my car, just as I turned the key I heard "You are so me." I wanted to just say, "awww thank you." :) It felt like a special little message just for me. Joe Cocker rocks and he's a great messenger.

I DO feel a little more balanced this week, a little steadier. And I feel better about some areas that I'm already doing a pretty good job in. My relationship with my boys is really healthy. I used to carry so much guilt about the divorce that I couldn't truly enjoy our relationship. But I realize now that the love I give them is what they need and that they're going to be just fact more than fine.

I've also realized that I'm not responsible for everyone else in the world being balanced!! Whew. That's a load off.


melba said...

I really appreciate your honesty and your willingness to share your story. I just "met" you and I can tell that you are a very sweet lady who is finally giving herself the time and attention she needs and deserves. I am so glad you are getting so much out of this group experience of reading TB. (I am too!) It makes me excited to anticipate what growth is ahead for all of us in the coming months!

Lisa Oceandreamer Swifka said...

I finally bought the book today, and if nothing else, I will read it just to TRY and get some balance in my life. I am excited by YOUR excitement as you read it.

Lisa Oceandreamer Swifka said...

I have to add that reading your inner most feelings really touched me....and there are things in there I can relate to. The art part for sure, the calm it produces is amazing. Having had it an integral part of my life then going through so much I let it go....embracing it again has been a wonder tonic in many ways! Thank you for your honesty - doesn't it feel good to be able to just tell it like it is?

Lisa said...

Melba, Thank you. I'm excited when I think of it, too. It makes me feel very hopeful for all of us...and imagine the creativity it will spark!

Lisa, yay! I'm glad you got the book and I hope you enjoy it as much as I am enjoying it. It does feel good to just tell it like it is. I so often keep things to myself and there's some loss of being able to really "feel" when you do that and if you can't feel, it's hard to have a good relationship with ANYone. I have so many sweet women friends now through blogging and it's helped me to seek that and nurture it in my non-blogging life as well. I am so grateful for it. I can't imagine you ever having let go of art. You are so creative and talented. You must have felt like exploding!

Vintage Wine said...

I want to say something but I can`t find the right words... But I want you to know that everything you write touches me deeply!
Lots of love

Miss Robyn said...

I sat and read this post with my breath held. First of all - you are a brave courageous woman for posting just how you are feeling. And a brave woman to tell us of the violence & abusive childhood.
My dad was violent when I was a child, due to alcoholism. I would cringe when any one would drink and start being abusive. I still do. Things happened in my childhood just like yours - the shovels, things being thrown. I would run outside in the dark and sit til the yelling stopped.
I am so glad that our paths have crossed on this journey & I cannot wait til my book arrives.
good to hear that you are going to pamper yourself - watch my book of shadows, I have some wonderful pampering recipes and ideas coming up. And always, always look for those little messages - they are sent by the angels just when you need them. Nothing is a co-incedence. And even though you & I have different spiritual beliefs, I feel blessed to be able to call you a friend xoxo
(ps - it is so hard to put everything into words in a comment)

Lisa said...

Vintagewine, thank you for telling me that. I understand exactly what you mean about not being able to put something into words. Sometimes there just aren't words.

Robyn, it is hard to put it all in comments but thank you so much. I have to admit it wasn't easy putting that all out there. I don't know why it's embarrassing to me but it if it weakens me somehow but I know that isn't true. I'm sorry to hear that you went through similar things but I, too, am very pleased that our paths crossed.

Thank you all for your kind words. They were very soothing and helpful.

Anonymous said...

Sending you hugs and wishes for a great future. (((((((((Hugs)))))))))

Isabella in the 21st Century said...

Wow Lisa. Thank you for sharing this heartfelt post. So many of us women have been hurt in our childhoods, it's so hard to move on and get through life's difficulties without a solid foundation. You are doing so well and I think you have been blessed with your high level of creativity - it's an outlet and a valid expression of your feelings (and your stuff look pretty on the wall!lol!)

Keep well sweet lady!

Cindi said...

{{{Linda}}} I love you.

Anonymous said...

Sending you (((hugs))) Lisa. What a breakthrough you've been having. I pray it just gets better and better for you. Sometimes I have a hard time telling if some of the physical stuff is just part of menopause or if it's something else - either way, I think it IS my body processing a lot of emotional stuff. I can't wait till I can get that book.
I'm so glad you found Violette's - I think her place has answered a lot of our prayers! Keep doing your art - It's beautiful and it's cheaper than therapy (which reminds me I need to get back to doing some art myself!)
Love the Joe Cocker synchronicity!

Lisa said...

Thanks Ninnie. I appreciate that very much. :)

lol Plainandsimple, Thanks! It is handy to express your feelings and then hammer it up on the wall. lol

Thanks Cindi. I love you, too. I can't believe we live so close and can't get ourselves together unless..well...someone's in the hospital. LOL

Tinker, I sure hope Violette realizes how much she helps us all and I hope we do the same for her. Thanks for the hugs..right back at ya. :)

Emma said...

(((LISA))) It is great that you are finding more time to treat yourself kindly. It's so hard, because we are always taught that the nice people always put others first. The truth is that it's possible to be gentle with yourself and still treat others well too. By giving yourself a little time you are doing your whole family a favour.

Take care, friend!


Zoanna said...

Yes, thank you for your courage and transparency. I did not experience hardly any childhood abuse, and am so sorry you did. I am glad for the therapy that art is. You're right about the journaling. I stopped writing my negative feelings because I didn't want people to read them after I died and say, "Wow, did she really that way about me? I thought she liked me!" when the truth is, I get over things or forgive but that doesn't necessarily show up soon after in a journal! I've never been a good painter, but I do enjoy the process and expressing emotions through it. I usually throw mine in the trash once the therapy session is up! Kudoes to you for hangin' yours up!

Lisa said...

Emma, I sure hope it's helping them as well. :) I'm in a much better place than I was a few days ago!

Zoanna, I, too, worried about the words being here after I'd gone without me to explain them. I would often write something and then tear it out of the journal page. Also, often once I was over something,I could read a journal entry and become angry again and that didn't help anyone.