Sunday, November 26, 2006

I know I normally put posts such as this on my other blog, but I am tired of compartmentalizing. I am a Christian. I may not fit your definition of Christian but for me to deny that it's what I am would be as ridiculous as denying that I am a woman. I am not the most beautiful, graceful, soft, feminine of women, yet there is no denying that I am a woman. I am not the most holy, sinless, pious of Christians, yet there is no denying (to myself) that I am a Christian. This blog is meant to be a reflection of my every day life, yet I find myself trying to leave out this huge part of myself as a spiritual being who seems to paradoxically see God in everything yet constantly search for God. I am no longer going to relegate any faith questions to my other blog. Don't worry, though, nothing much will change as you will note that Messy Musings doesn't update often. :)

Now, with that said I'll get on with the gist of the post. I have had an interesting week. It's been a bit quieter than usual and I've had a chance to do some thinking and some talking and some listening. I've realized that for most of my late teen/adult life, I have been like a child on a trip, "God, are we there yet? Are we there yet? How about now? Are we there yet?" I am always jumping ship before arrival.I did it with getting married, getting divorced, moving in with Tim, and just about everything in my life. I even had the audacity to blame God after my divorce because he didn't keep me from making mistakes. I mean..gee, I'd been so good before. Couldn't he have forced me to see how stupid I was being? Apparently not because I have been contemplating jumping ship again. This time, however, I had the wisdom that comes only with having screwed up royally enough to recognize that pre-tragedy inducing jump. I have felt like that child in the parking lot. You know the one. The mom has groceries in one hand, maybe a baby on the hip and she has taken this child's hand to keep him safe. All he knows is that he is too big to have to hold mom's hand and he wants to run. He is fighting and trying to wiggle free from mom's grasp, not knowing or seeing all that she knows or sees.

Suddenly, though, I stopped wiggling my hand to get free. I thought of my earlier mistakes and grieved them again. I thought of all the ways life may have been different if I hadn't made those mistakes. Then it hit me. One day this will be the past. This will be a good memory or a painful regret. I can't take more painful regret. I started reading things that strengthened my spirit and I realized that what I was missing would not have been restored by leaving anyway. So, I am full in. I resolve to give the most to this relationship that I can give.

I have read and read and read. I have found some beautifully written books and blogs that provide real nourishment for the soul. Over and over I am confronted with the message that I am to move on from my regret. The artist above has a similar drawing but with briars in the foreground. He calls it "Remember. But Go Forward." Yes. That's it.

I must remember my mistakes and the arrogance that lead to them. I must remember how I thought I was above making such mistakes. I must remember so that it is impossible for me, ever again, to be arrogant. I must remember. I have tried so hard to forget, but that was the wrong thing to do. I must remember. But go God's pace.

When I looked at this artist's drawings, I realized that I have been in God's hand all along. When I thought that he had abandoned me and I was so angry that he hadn't kept me..I was in his hand even then. I am so trying not to make this sound all teddybears and teacups. I don't know how to express this without sounding sentimental and naive. In fact, I have this wonderful uplifted feeling from reading the words of other writers, yet I who call myself a writer cannot express this feeling at all!

You're probably thinking, "Well, I wish you'd hurry up and finish not expressing yourself."

Well, you're probably right. Maybe I'll try again later. :)

With these little revelations always, always comes a sense of call. I don't understand it, EVER. It seems to be all or nothing. I feel called, but to what? I feel pulled to express something. I am not sure of what needs expressed nor how to express it. (sorry, I tried..but rambling on I go)

I have learned one thing. I won't jump ahead this time, trying out callings. "ohh is it this GOD? Do you want me to do this? How about this?" I will say, that is one good way to find out all the things you're NOT good at.

I need to finish Marjory Bankson's book "Call To The Soul." I meant to bring it out of the bedroom with me but forgot, so it will have to wait now because Tim is sleeping.

Rambling over.


Anonymous said...

Oh Lisa I do love you! And you ARE feminine and very beautiful too! Femininity is just to celebrate being a woman, we don't (sorry opinion coming out here) have to wear skirts/dresses and perfume to be a don't have to be perfect to be a woman...just as God accepts His church before she is perfect, so he accepts us before we are perfect, perfection comes only through Christ and even then it can be a journey littered with mistakes. I've just posted a rant (sorry hubby) about CS Lewis bashing (some people seem to think he was not a Christian and oh a whole load of other stuff)...he did get some stuff wrong in my opinion (don't we all?), but he was saved by Jesus Christ and so he IS a Christian and wrote some beautiful stuff (of what I've read).

I have learned very very recently that love covers a multitude of sins, much more than piety, I've made judgement errors and I've treated some people wrongly recently. But here I am a sinful, hopeless, woman... but so loved by God, I know it, I don't deserve it, but it's true. Just be yourself on your blog (for honesty is much better than false piety), and listen for that still small voice of God to lead you.

I've done wierd stuff (really wierd) in my time, but my church never chucked me out, and here I am one step closer to Heaven but still making mistakes, sigh.

Does this all make sense? Sorry I was only going to give you some e-hugs and I've ended up writing a post practically, sorry. Hugs to you over and over :)

p.s. that picture is just beautiful

Naturegirl said...

My first time here and {{whow}} what a deep post..what shall I say.I know in my life there is a plan God's and regardless how challenging life gets I eventually ~*get it*~. Always there IS a lesson learned perhaps that is his plan.Do you and Tim communicate a lot perhaps he can shed natureboy always seems to help me.Wishing you peace. NG

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

His hand has never left you. And your heart has never left his.
faith beleives that.
Such inspired sharing, merci!

Anonymous said...

((LISA)) I could have written this message! I would love to hear more about what your have been reading. I jump from one thing to the next all the time (ask my Mum about the 3 unfinished university degrees). I really, really understand what you're talking about.


Anonymous said...

hmmm - very deep post - but great to read. As you know, I have been searching for 'the meaning of life' all MY life - still haven't found it either. I was brought up a Christian - but now I follow nearly every belief there is - a bit here and a bit there, making it all up as I go along - so have no idea what I really am. xoxo

Anonymous said...

I think its about the journey...the process of searching...and all that we learn along the way rather than the actual knowing "the meaning". If we all knew there would be no mystery of life....

Anonymous said...

Lisa, for feeling like you're not expressing yourself, I think you expressed a lot of ideas here pretty well. I love the analogy of the child wiggling free from the hand trying to keep him safe; to go it alone.

Whatever you're going through right now - you're not going through it alone. Take time to listen to that still small voice - and also, remember you have lots of people rooting for you.

Anonymous said...

Oh, Lisa I think you expressed yourself beautifully. None of us have to be perfect Christians (we're all fallen, there's no such thing on Earth)we just have to live in love and make prgress in our journey towards Him. Stick with it girl, just stick with it and pray. Grace is a beautiful thing and He does provide it if we ask, but remember mistakes happen all the time, if we didn't make them we wouldn't progress. Peace to you dearie!

Kitty Couture said...

What a beautiful, beautiful post, Lisa. (((hugs)))

Anonymous said...

I tried commenting last night, but blogger wouldn't let me. Glad to see the glitch was fixed!

I was moved by your post. And I also wanted to tell you a little story of mine. I was in my 20s when my husband was killed. At the hospital where we went to pick up his remains for the burial, the Archbishop came over to me, and I blurted: Why would God do this. and the Archbishop said quietly: "God didn't do this, a man did this."

We are given free will. We can only try to use that wisely and to the best of our ability. God doesn't "interfere"; I believe it's how we learn, grow spiritually.

Bless you, Lisa.

Lisa said...

Sarah, makes tons of sense, my friend. And thank you. (and I love you, too) :)

Naturegirl Good advice, that. Tim and I seem to completely agree or completely disagree on any number of issues. lol (Sometimes I think he just likes to be contrary) :)

Corey, Indeed and for that I am grateful.

Emma, I just around, too...although today I bought another CSLewis piece (3 books in one). I seem to come back to Lewis again and again. He has such clarity and helps me to believe in my head what I want to believe in my heart.

Robyn, my pastor has often said that we sort of just have to decide and go from there. I understand what he means but it's sometimes easier said than done. My problem is mostly that I don't personally need there to be a meaning to life and so Jesus represents to me a puzzle. I could be pretty happy with life being just the ins and outs of every day life (and glitter hehe) but Jesus seems to represent God's direct intervention and involvement in our lives...and THAT is what is so hard for me because that does indicate a meaning to life. I am always amazed by people's ability to just accept that. I would be so ok with random. lol Huh..only *I* would see Christ's cross as MY burden, huh? sheesh

Gemma, My pastor and I had a similar conversation about the mystery and how knowing would take all of the fun out of it. lol That's probably true.

Tinker, thank you. Your words mean so much to me. {{{Hugs}}} back.

Plainandsimple, thank you so much. If that is the case, I must be making great progress. lol :) I'll keep on hanging on.

{{{Isabelle}}} Thank you my friend.

Colette, So young for such a tragic thing. I do agree that God doesn't interfere, although he gets the blame for lots of things. I'm so glad the Archbishop didn't give you one of those pat answers.

I think one of the things I set out to express yesterday but never did was that I am learning that it's a minute-by-minute thing. It's not an all-at-once thing. I find much comfort in that. Thanks, sweet friend.

Thanks to all of you. I am really fortunate to know so many wise and loving women.

Amy said...

Sending big hugs your way Lisa. I think you expressed your thoughts and feelings beautifully. I've always appreciated your honesty and transparency.

There seems to be a trend among certain Christian circles to need to "discover God's will for their lives". In many ways I think it's a bunch of hokey. While I believe we all play a part in a master plan, I also think we live that out day by day, one baby step at a time whether it's working through the challenges of marriage or just washing the dishes. "ALL THINGS work together for good, for those who love Him." Keep holding that hand tight and trusting.

I've missed a whole bunch of your posts since my Bloglines missed them for some reason. Grrr!!! I hope you didn't think I wasn't coming anymore :(

Lisa said...

Amy, I'm so glad you said that. I just don't see how every single person could have a special purpose...a reason for being here. I am really ok with just being part of the crowd; in fact I prefer it. I wish I had figured it out while my kids were still small so I could have enjoyed that time of their lives more and let them enjoy it more.

I didn't think you had stopped coming here at all but I was sure happy to see you here now. :)

Lisa said...

I feel the need to say that a little better.......I *think* God has an ultimate plan. I don't think that I need to have a special commission for that plan to take place. I think that in just doing the every day things that need to be done, we help that plan along..or at least don't interfere with it.

(Angie) Norththreads: said...

Sounds like your really taking big steps to becoming a really mature Christian, that you should be really proud off!God already knows your future, your past, & your present. He has amazing plans for you if you let him guide you! Your an incredible woman sharing something so heartfelt & real!

Anonymous said...

Hello my lovely friend

I don't think there is much more I could say that hasn't been said by your loving friends.

Thankyou for sharing such personal feelings with us. Am pleased that you are sharing your spirituality. As it is such an important part of you.

I believe that our very spiritualiy makes us question and seek answers in life. Analyse what has been before and what we can learn from our experiences.

Every thing that has happened in your life has made you the special person you are.

Loving, compassionate and caring.

You ARE a feminine person. There are so many different levels of being female. And not all of us are girly girls.

I love you exactly how you are. Right now, in this very moment.

Dotee xoxo

Julie H said...

The Word says that He knew us in the womb, that infact He formed and created each of us.

You are special, how bored our Jesus would be if we were all the same - we are not clones. We are special. And it is ok to be you, the you he made you.

Take time to rest in Him. To enjoy what you do know.

Big hugs to yo my friend - and I am so pleased that you are putting all of you in the one blog. I think that will bring you a peace too.

melba said...

I really could relate to the jumping ship part and asking God why part.
I use to question God about why my life was such a struggle as an adult when I already had such a horrid childhood. I wanted Him to answer for my lack of faith. Finally by His grace, His divine intervention I moved forward and flew.

I am glad you are merging your two blogs together. For about a week I made a Mommy blog because I thought I couldn't say it all on my blog, but then I realized my blog friends wanted to know and see all of me.
and I want to know and see all of Lisa too!

Anonymous said...

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, "declares the Lord," and will bring you back from captivity.
Jeremiah 29:11-14a

All who read the word find the answers to their plans for their lives. Each one of us was created by the Lord for a purpose.

But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you.
John 14:26

Many of the messages we hear from the world are the killing kind. We're told: "You're not smart enough; you're not thin enough; you're not fast enough; you're not GOOD enough." The Bible says, "Words kill, words give life; they're either poison or fruit-- you choose"
Proverbs 18:21

We'er to come alongside one another, "building each other up," just as the Holy Encourager comes alongside us to teach us and remind us of the way of Jesus (John 14:26)

By wisdom a house is built, and through understanding it is established
Proverbs 24:3

As you have seen here in my message, reading from the word of God you will find your plan. The word is Holy and active. It was given to you to seek the answers to your questions in life. I am sure that there will be many words or opinions shared by using this tool(the web), you need to be sure that your wisdom comes from the Lord. You did say that you are a Christian and you have given your life to the Lord. Just remember that he is in control. Your path will be made straight if you stay on the right path. The path he planned before you were born.
He is with you when you are happy and when you are scared. He sees you every moment of your days here on earth. The power of our Lord is beyond your words and thoughts. Keep praying and seeking the plan he has for your life here.
My favorite is "our life is like a vapor". Your time here on earth is worth more then you could every imagine, enjoy right where you are today and each day you open your eyes.

Words of encouragement:
I am not where I used to be,
I am not where I am suppose to be,
but I am on my way and I'm OK!

Anonymous said...

I was just thinking about what everyone has said here and I was reminded of these words of Jesus that I just love, where He said don't worry about tomorrow for tomorrow will bring enough trouble of it's own. We need to live in today, where we are today; enjoy the joys of today and deal with the problems of today...tomorrow is in God's hands. I have a tendency to take the plan out of God's hands or to try to see what it is, but if you think about it it's much more fun and mysterious God's way ;)

KaiBlue said...

Aloha Ms Lisa,
I enjoyed this post.Im not christian, but I am spiritual.
I love the idea of you and god out for the walk of life. Like any child you tug and pull to be set free. You get your freedom only to realise the comfort you felt with his hand in yours and that brings you back to take his hand for the rest of your journey.
It's a beautifully simple gesture. Perfect coming from someone as with a beautiful soul like you :)
I bid you peace.

One Crabapple said...

hmmm. I think you have expressed yourself beautifully. It sounds like alot is definitely going on with you.

I loved the picture and it grabbed me in right at the start.

Go Forward is a GREAT message.

Love to you, S.