I've been thinking a lot about SoulCollage® again. I've been making cards. I've agreed to do some workshops with Grandin Gardens. I've been looking at other folk's cards.
Last weekend, I got the opportunity to experience just how much SoulCollage has saved me, not just from being overwhelmed by the pain from my past but from making myself and others miserable in the here and now.
I was given some emotional news that in the past would have sent me into a tail spin. And it did, for about an hour. Once I came out of that, I felt tremendous sadness for about 24 hours but I just sat with it. I experienced all of the different emotions, thoughts and memories that were going off like the fireworks in the neighborhood that day.
Then it hit me, all that I have learned about myself over the past four years. Why I react to certain things the way I do. Why I've made the choices that I've made, for better or worse. It was then that I was able to observe my current feelings with near amusement. There they were again. Those same old reactions in my head. That same pain in my heart. A little anger. A little self-pity. Guilt. Ahhhh, the guilt. Such a sneaky emotion. Guilt disguises itself in blame sometimes. I feel guilty, so I blame "you" so that my guilt eases a bit. There it all was, playing out in my head but this time I was aware of it. I could see it. "I see you guilt, you sneaky rascal. And you, daddy-issues-girl...I see you, too. Oh yeah, and you drama queen...you're still alive and well, aren't you?"
But thanks to SoulCollage, I have recognized these neters as a part of me yet not me at the same time. They are all part of me but no single one is all of me. Guilt is not in charge of my emotions. Drama Queen is not in charge of my reactions. Daddy-issues-girl, she's just a sad case but I give her lots of love because...well...because I can now.
So much of my life was spent in chaos in my mind and heart. I have always marveled at people telling me how peaceful I seemed or how I brought peace to a situation. I remember seeing a video of myself and being so surprised at the serenity I displayed because I remembered the event and how my head was spinning and how uncomfortable and unhappy I actually was.
My insides were chaos because Guilt, Drama Queen, Daddy-issues-girl and their many and varied sidekicks were brawling over who would be in charge. Too many thoughts. Too many emotions. I guess I was in a trance-like state on the outside to hide the mess going on inside.
I felt that for a brief time this weekend. And then, I remembered. I recognized the committee. And I realized that I have new committee members now who are speaking up. The part of me who loves myself. The part of me who makes righteous choices. The part of me who realizes that whatever I do now will become a part of my past, for better or for worse. Mostly I realized that I am surrounded by love, from inside and out, and I am not desperate for anything. Losing desperation for something truly dilutes outside forces that play on that desperation. I can not be manipulated. Wow! Powerful.
All is calm within. I have a renewed confidence in my ability to handle things that come from left field. Everything has been so amazing for the past three years that I haven't really had to think about it. There have been no real challenges emotionally. So I am over the moon having met this challenge and come through it feeling an even deeper sense of peace, a deeper sense of my Self, and a confidence in Source working through it all.
I am grateful to have experienced the pain of it without just shutting down, as I have in the past. I also experienced it without finding someone to talk to about it. I went within. I cried. I got mad. I got grumpy. I got melancholy. I survived the emotional white-waters and ended in a blissful lake of calm.
Thank you Neters. Thank you Seena and SoulCollage. Thank you fellow SoulCollagers...and all my fellow explorers of things spiritual and divine. And thank you, Patrick, for being an ever-present source of tangible love and support. I am so grateful.