I had planned to have a giveaway. Would you believe I have won another one since my last posting? Expecting gifts in the mailbox is so much fun. :)
Unfortunately, our pc, the one I do all my work and blogging on, is out of commission at the moment. Patrick shut down the computers and unplugged them because of a storm before the weekend and when we woke up, the pc wouldn't turn on. I think that's good news, though, since it seems it's a power supply problem and not a motherboard problem, which would be very sad. (I have so much info on there, some sentimental, some work-related). Hopefully we will get the issue resolved this week. Until we do, I cannot upload photos. So the giveaway is delayed until the pc is fixed. Sorry about that.
Other than that, life is ok. A little overwhelming at times. I've just discovered that Tim is not paying the storage unit and owes them over a thousand dollars so I'll have to pay that if I want my stuff from storage...like my grandmother's dresser and the cedar chest the boys' dad made me when we were dating (which I want to pass on to them). He is also late on the mortgage(again), which is in my name, so that's not great for my credit.
A part of me wishes so much that I hadn't tried to do the right thing. I didn't have an affair. I waited until he came home to leave. I took care of his mom unti he got back. I left SO much stuff in the house so that he wouldn't come home to a shell but, in typical fashion, he absolutely hates me and so now I have lost so many things that I would truly love to have.
Still, it's just stuff and my life is better in every other way so I can live with that. I have accepted the fact that I may lose the things in storage and that I will probably never get back the things I left in the house. But it's so stressful having his cars and the house in my name when he isn't timely with his payments. We struggle to be on time paying our bills and then I get a mortgage notice on a house that I'm not even living in. I'm not sure, legally, what to do about it. You'd think it would be embarrassing to him to be on my husband's car insurance, but apparently it isn't.
This is my biggest personal obstacle, I think. My fear of confrontation. Especially with him. He often told me that if I ever left him, he would have me killed. Yeah, that makes it pretty hard for me to cause waves.
I did all the wrong things when I left Tom, the boys' dad. I felt guilt for years and still do at times. He was a good man and I just married too young and was too selfish. But with Tim, I really tried to do the right thing. I just could no longer be with someone who was so negative and racist, yet I tried to make sure that he didn't lose "things" and that he didn't get screwed over and here I am dealing with his stuff. It really makes you wonder. It's just a mess that I don't know how to get out of. I wish I'd never met him.
But I did. And this is where we are. So we just continue trying to do the right thing, hoping that Tim will do the right thing and that someday when I awake at 3 am, I will simply take a nice deep breath and turn over and go back to sleep. Instead of trying to recount all the things I have in storage that have important meaning to me or wondering what it's doing to my credit to have a mortgage that's in my name late every other month. It's my fault. Tim wanted me to say we were married to get that mortgage and I did. How do I go to them now and tell them we weren't? I'm so ashamed.
I remember the day I finally had had enough. Tim wanted me to apply for something that required me to be a "single mother." I finally told him that he couldn't have it both ways. We couldn't be married when it was convenient for him and then have me say I was single when it was, again, convenient to him. He was absolutely amazed that this was a problem.
As I recognized my own duplicity and was determined to live an authentic life, it became more and more stressful between us. Finally, I just could not bear to live that way. Today I am an open book but that doesn't fix all the problems made in the past. He says terrible things about me. It's a small town. I hear them. That's ok because I really don't care what he thinks. I know who I am now. I know my own honesty. I know my own integrity. But it doesn't fix the problems.
I am tired. And I'm so ignorant of any solutions to this problem. I know that Patrick is tired of me having so many connections to Tim. Being married to someone with a mortgage to a house that he has never step foot in. Having automobiles on our insurance that he has never driven. But he is patient and kind. He just goes about his business, working hard and loving us. I am blessed and so grateful.
I'm sorry. I had no intention of laying this all out here tonight. I'm just tired. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of paying for my mistakes and even more tired of paying for being nice and trying to do the right thing! I'm tired of regret. I'm tired of people who think the world owes them. I'm tired of people who think that certain other people deserve nothing while they hide behind the name of people they say horrible things about.
I'm tired of trying to have positive thoughts about Tim. I'm tired of wishing him happiness while his antics keep me awake at night. I'm tired of wondering if I'm going to have my grandmother's dresser and the cedar chest to give the boys. I'm tired.
But tonight I will go to sleep thinking of positive things. I will pray that Tim find happiness. I will pray that everything works out. I will relinquish my hold on material things, even if they have sentimental value.
Because, in the scheme of things, life is good. I have an amazing husband who loves me and treats my boys like they are the best thing since sliced bread, which of course they are. :)
I have a roof over my head and food (wonderful, glorious food cooked by my husband) on my table, hell, I even have cable and a kooky kitten! lol
At the end of the week, I will go to Mom's to take care of my mentally retarded brother while Mom gets a chemical procedure to put her heart back in to proper rhythm. Please remember her in your thoughts.
I haven't had a car for months. Hopefully we will get it worked on soon but the money we were hoping to use for that must now go to the computer. It is our livlihood. So Patrick will be dropping me off at Mom's and coming back to get me.
It sounds horrible but the truth is, I am so grateful that, if I must go through these times, I am going through them with Patrick. His patience and positive thinking continue to surprise and amaze me. It is such a wonderfully comforting thing.
Ok. Enough of this. Maybe, just maybe, sharing all of these things I've kept closed up in my heart and mind for the past months will help me to release them and move beyond them.
I'm tired of worrying. So I release the worry. I'm over it. On to better things.