Friday, January 23, 2009
Secret #3 Following your Fascinations
This chapter was very much about the willingness to take calculated risks and being brave.
I am not feeling very brave this week.
I have a SoulCollage workshop on the 29th that's been planned for a long time and as much as I try to talk myself into wanting to do it, I don't and I feel afraid.
Afraid that I'm not prepared enough.
Afraid that I'll get tongue-tied.
Afraid that people will be bored or expect more than I know how to give.
But I'm not bowing out. I'm going and I'm going to be positive and do the best that I can, remembering that this is not about me giving a workshop but about them learning a new tool for self-knowing and healing.
There, I feel better already.
It is an interesting tug-of-war that goes on within me and perhaps many artists. I make things that express something about myself and I want to share them. But then, the inner critic starts whispering (shouting) to me and I resist sharing.
I start thinking that I should just do art for my own enjoyment without sharing it. But then, this strange compulsion to share it overcomes the critic. What is that?
Sharing is always filled with risk, isn't it? Or at least we perceive a risk. Becoming vulnerable is not a light choice that we make. We put our souls out there where everyone can see them and it's truly a little frightening sometimes.
I am feeling that uneasy vulnerability right now. I feel myself wanting to pull back and abandon the dreams I so boldly posted only a couple of weeks ago.
But, I won't.
I won't because I remember that just a little over three years ago, I was living in an unhealthy relationship, thinking that I deserved nothing better, and had no idea that I was an artist.
Then I discovered the amazing world of collage, which lead to other creative pursuits and to my healing and realization that I deserve to be loved completely and sweetly. I learned to love myself completely and sweetly.
Then I sold some art and started forcing myself to own the identification as artist.
Today, I am an artist and accept this as a part of myself as freely as I accept that I am woman. There is no denying it.
I had the courage to leave a bad relationship.
I had the courage to walk away from a house and security and find a job and an apartment.
I had the courage to call my best friend and tell him that I loved him and now he is my husband.
My mom used to say that I was a "creature of comfort." She was referring to my choice of clothing and in that respect, she was right and I am still.
But in the rest of my life, that is not true.
Life sometimes requires us to leave our areas of comfort to find the sweet satisfaction of being aligned with our highest purpose.
My highest purpose is to help others discover that there is nothing in their past that makes them unworthy to be loved today and the best way I have of helping others discover this is through art.
So to my inner critic I say, "Thank you. I know you are trying to protect me from rejection and ridicule but I've got this covered and you can chill out now."
What scares you?
What is your highest purpose?