Sunday, October 22, 2006

Rambling

Do you ever feel like something radical is about to happen to you? Or, that it is happening at this moment but will go unrecognized for a while? I do not normally watch for signs or signals. I just go along day to day making the best decisions I know to make, doing my little necessaries and every now and then enjoying a quiet moment. I sew or cut and glue for pure joy and bliss. I write because I can and people pay me for it which still is cause for wonder.

BUT

Lately, my life is filled with coincidences...synchronicities that I am finding it difficult to dismiss. They are extraordinary to me. They come to me almost every time I am ready to give up on a bigger picture. Every time I begin to think that this (you know...this) is all there is, something happens that makes me think that it just can't be. Something happens to make me feel that life is orchestrated, not just random.

I'm not sure what to do with it. You've probably noticed that I haven't told you what the things were that happened. I think I'm afraid the magic will be gone if I voice them. For now, I'll keep them safe inside me but I desperately wanted to share that they're happening.

My heart feels like it is opening up and just as fast as I recognize and acknowledge that feeling, my mind rushes in to shut it down and protect it. A lifetime of hiding the real me. The me that is emotional and girly inside but determined not to show it on the outside. Still, I cannot deny that I am feeling emotional...in a very happy, loving, huge way.

Things are happening inside my heart and out in this big world things are happening that jive with it. So, what IS that? Is it real? Is it wishful thinking?

I don't know. The things that are happening seem to happen when I do something I feel absolutely compelled to do...as if someone had my arm and lead me while I just sort of went along. Like, for instance, going to the women's retreat..if you've known me anytime at all, you know what a really weird thing that is for me to volunteer to do. It was life changing for me. I haven't yet figured out how to make it an outward change exactly but it changed me inside. Maybe that's enough. Maybe I need to stop thinking that I'm supposed to DO something big with everything God gives me. Maybe my "calling" is to stop grinding my teeth everytime someone tries to talk to me in the middle of writing, which makes them feel bad. (but doesn't stop them, i might add) Maybe I'm thinking big when I'm just supposed to make iced tea for Tim's mom without her asking for it. Maybe I should....she is my biggest challenge. She is so needy, emotionally. If she doesn't get it from you freely, she gets it through guilt. She's passive aggressive and she knows how to work it. See? I feel guilty just typing that, yet I held back so much! I don't want my calling to have anything to do with her. I'm tired of being told to serve when I feel that's all I do all day, every day. Even when I'm creating something, I am on edge waiting for her to ask for the next thing (she is down the hall in her bed). I'm tired. I'm tired of serving. Please, someone, tell me that serving is not my calling...at least not serving her. I tell myself I'm serving Tim by caring for his mother and his son..but it's HER that I have to walk to the bathroom several times a day and it's HIM that I have to drive around. It's them I'm serving. It's not God. It's not Tim. It's these two people who make me want to scream that I am serving. It's so ironic and yet, there it is.

Well, maybe it's all a big joke...or maybe I'm being taught something that will help me serve in a bigger way later....or maybe I'm rationalizing away the part of my life I can't stand?

Gee, this started out so warm and fuzzy and positive and now here I am whining. You've just witnessed the cycle I go through several times a day. However, I didn't mean to go through it during this post. This is about the time one of those synchronistic (is that a word?) things happen that make the cycle start all over again.

Oh well...this is me and real, for better or worse by blogging friends..so I'm not going to delete. I'm just going to hit publish and trust.

17 comments:

Me said...

i understand...

Emma said...

Wow, Lisa, you are carrying a heavy burden there! It sounds to me like you are doing it so well.

I really admire you.

Emma

Lisa said...

Thanks Me...a lot is said in those two words.

Emma, thanks. I don't really do anything admirable but I do appreciate the thought. Mother Theresa I am not. I really only do what I HAVE to do.

Daisy Lupin said...

Lisa, that is true though of us isn't it, 'we do what we have to do' I can understand that.
Just sometimes and I know this sounds crazy, I think we all met up in cyberspace for a reason. I will say no more at present.

Kai said...

Dahling.. I can totally understand where you are coming from..
I have a sign on my fridge..says M is for mother, not MAID.
The other says, be KIND to Kai.

Yours should read, G is for the gem in your life, treasure her..

We do what we can with what we are given..even when we dont want to **do**, we just want to **Be**.
..I wish I could help you..Maybe a big hug?
Peace..Kai

Lisa (oceandreamer) said...

Lisa there is so much I want to say here and yet all the words seem to fall right off the screen. It's so important that you let yourself hit publish....you NEED to be able to voice and release and to feel and to discuss the things that surround you. Without the ability to freely do this, myself included, the festering begins and from fester comes rotting inside. Through this medium, and I agree with Daisy, there IS a reason - you not only will garner support and love and hugs, but just a true and lending of an ear. I know what you face each day and I am here to tell you how hard a job that is!
I hope this made some sense, I'm not so sure reading it back.
Sending you warm hugs and a moment of peace.
XOXO

Lisa said...

Daisy, I feel we did, too.

Kai, your hugs are always welcome. :) Thanks a whole bunch.

Lisa, you definitely made sense and I appreciate your words.

Colette said...

My dear little froggy, I am happy you're letting it happen. This is very very good. I just made a quiltie with the saying: "Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Everyone we meet is a mirror." (synchronicity?!)

What has kept me going, especially through the years of pain and tragedy was the stubborn belief that there had to be something more to life, something better.

xoxo

Anonymous said...

I don`t even know where to start...

First of all, I think you are a very strong person & I`m even more sure of it after reading this text!

And you don`t just do what you have to do, you`re doing something that some people would never do!

I don`t know what more to say, it`s difficult to put it down in words. But in the beginning of the text, there where a magical inspiring feeling & I really hope that you can hang on to that feeling! Grab it and don`t let go!

Lots of love,
Elisabeth

Lisa said...

Colette, thank you so much for your loving and wise words. They mean a lot to me and I will take them to heart.

Elisabeth, thank you. Thank you for noticing the beginning magical part. lol I am holding on to it or rather it is holding on to me. It breaks through all the ugly stuff and brings me joy. Maybe that's the lesson right there, huh? Thank you my sweet sweet friend.

BlueJude said...

I'm sure serving is not your calling. Tho in a way, you are serving God by doing these things.
Sometimes I could scream cause I feel like all I am doing is serving by 4 year old all the time (who can be demanding like any kid) and picking up after my teens, etc. and all those other tasks we hate. But I know thats part of my job as a mom and being in a family. But I don't believe it is my only true calling.
Mother Teresa said something like this; "If I cannot do Great things in a big way, I will do small things in a great way."
Packs a lot of punch. We all want the big great things to happen, sometimes it's the little things that will lead up to it. In any case, it sounds like you're jiving with something, and on your way somewhere.....just let it groove and see where it takes you! Wishful thinking or a true calling??....something I have been thinking about for weeks so your post was quite timely. You are not alone.

Lisa said...

Hey Bluejude, well misery loves company so I'm glad I'm not alone. lol Thanks for your comment. I have come across that quote a number of times this past week. It says a mouthful huh?

I guess that was a weird thing for me to say about being called to serve. As a Christian, that is the one thing that is very clear. We are called to serve. I guess I want to serve a different way. ;)

Dotee said...

Hi Lisa

I have been thinking about this post overnight and all you have written. I think there is some magic going on. And the synchronicity you are seeing and feeling is part of the bigger picture. Of who you are, of where you are going. Trust the magic as it will take you to places you never imagined were possible.

I think you are a very strong woman. And I admire what you do each day. You may not think you do anything admirable but you do.

And, you are bringing joy to everyone each day with your blog. Through sharing your journey, your heart, and your art (which are all intertwined).

Much love to you special lady.

Dotee xoxo

P.S I do believe that there is a reason that all of us in the blogging community have come together. We can be real with each other and support each other through changes and growth

melba said...

I am glad you shared your feelings. I get scared and nervous to reveal so much in a public forum, but then I am always glad I did. I feel lighter. It is as if some of my blogging sisters have taken some of the weight from me.
I hope I can do that for you a bit. This is your home on your blog to vent. It must be very frustrating taking care of someone else's Mother and son. You are doing a service and I do believe (as you wrote in your next post) that we are all called for service...just in different ways.

Bless you.
XOXO,
Melba

lia said...

Hi Lisa: I take care of my Mom and I know firsthand that it wears you out. you needed to vent! I know how it feels day in and day out. It does cause us to question our "servant" roles in the grand scheme of our life. I know I get worn out after a while taking care of everyone.
It's great that you express yourself creatively and that gives you so much joy. That is such a gift to have from God. I think that is what is helping you speak up and realize some of these things, I know creating has done that for me.
take care of yourself! Lia

Amy said...

Oh boy, can I relate to these feelings here. There are days when I just don't even want to get out of bed and face my children. I'm ashamed to admit it, but it's true. Other days I'm happy and content with my family and my work, but sometimes I'm just *tired*.

Lisa said...

Dotee,Everytime I try to respond to this comment..I feel overwhelmed with so many things I want to say. So, I'm just going to say thank you from the bottom of my heart. I do need to trust this thing and I'm going to. I'm feeling better this morning and ready to be open again to all the possibilities!

Melba, The way you open up on your blog helps so many of us to open up on ours. I think you definitely are serving through your blog and through JustBe and of course through your family. Thank you for your support. It's really appreciated.

Lia, I remember reading about your mom when I first found your blog. I think in some ways it must be even harder to take care of your own parent because there is so much extra emotional stuff that goes with it. You're right about the creative stuff. Without it, we'd probably have holes punched in the walls or something. lol I hadn't thought about the speaking up connection but you're probably right. When you allow yourself to express in one way, maybe it opens you up to express in others. Thanks Lia. I really appreciate your comment.

Amy, thank you so much. Sometimes it really really helps to hear that others feel the same way sometimes. It's not bad or weird..it's just life and that makes me feel so much better. Thank you!