Do you ever feel like something radical is about to happen to you? Or, that it is happening at this moment but will go unrecognized for a while? I do not normally watch for signs or signals. I just go along day to day making the best decisions I know to make, doing my little necessaries and every now and then enjoying a quiet moment. I sew or cut and glue for pure joy and bliss. I write because I can and people pay me for it which still is cause for wonder.
Lately, my life is filled with coincidences...synchronicities that I am finding it difficult to dismiss. They are extraordinary to me. They come to me almost every time I am ready to give up on a bigger picture. Every time I begin to think that this (you know...this) is all there is, something happens that makes me think that it just can't be. Something happens to make me feel that life is orchestrated, not just random.
I'm not sure what to do with it. You've probably noticed that I haven't told you what the things were that happened. I think I'm afraid the magic will be gone if I voice them. For now, I'll keep them safe inside me but I desperately wanted to share that they're happening.
My heart feels like it is opening up and just as fast as I recognize and acknowledge that feeling, my mind rushes in to shut it down and protect it. A lifetime of hiding the real me. The me that is emotional and girly inside but determined not to show it on the outside. Still, I cannot deny that I am feeling emotional...in a very happy, loving, huge way.
Things are happening inside my heart and out in this big world things are happening that jive with it. So, what IS that? Is it real? Is it wishful thinking?
I don't know. The things that are happening seem to happen when I do something I feel absolutely compelled to do...as if someone had my arm and lead me while I just sort of went along. Like, for instance, going to the women's retreat..if you've known me anytime at all, you know what a really weird thing that is for me to volunteer to do. It was life changing for me. I haven't yet figured out how to make it an outward change exactly but it changed me inside. Maybe that's enough. Maybe I need to stop thinking that I'm supposed to DO something big with everything God gives me. Maybe my "calling" is to stop grinding my teeth everytime someone tries to talk to me in the middle of writing, which makes them feel bad. (but doesn't stop them, i might add) Maybe I'm thinking big when I'm just supposed to make iced tea for Tim's mom without her asking for it. Maybe I should....she is my biggest challenge. She is so needy, emotionally. If she doesn't get it from you freely, she gets it through guilt. She's passive aggressive and she knows how to work it. See? I feel guilty just typing that, yet I held back so much! I don't want my calling to have anything to do with her. I'm tired of being told to serve when I feel that's all I do all day, every day. Even when I'm creating something, I am on edge waiting for her to ask for the next thing (she is down the hall in her bed). I'm tired. I'm tired of serving. Please, someone, tell me that serving is not my calling...at least not serving her. I tell myself I'm serving Tim by caring for his mother and his son..but it's HER that I have to walk to the bathroom several times a day and it's HIM that I have to drive around. It's them I'm serving. It's not God. It's not Tim. It's these two people who make me want to scream that I am serving. It's so ironic and yet, there it is.
Well, maybe it's all a big joke...or maybe I'm being taught something that will help me serve in a bigger way later....or maybe I'm rationalizing away the part of my life I can't stand?
Gee, this started out so warm and fuzzy and positive and now here I am whining. You've just witnessed the cycle I go through several times a day. However, I didn't mean to go through it during this post. This is about the time one of those synchronistic (is that a word?) things happen that make the cycle start all over again.
Oh well...this is me and real, for better or worse by blogging friends..so I'm not going to delete. I'm just going to hit publish and trust.